i won't give up.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

some days...

"Some days I hardly notice the distance.

Some days the distance is so tangible - I can almost feel it in the air.

Some days I cry and scream and hate the distance.

Some days are just days."

it ain't easy.

I'm trying to break this block that I've been struggling with, when it comes to writing. Don't know what has come over me to completely freeze the flow of words that have always honeyed from my fingertips. Nothing spectacular, but at least I was always able to just be free in what I have to say. Now, the words get stuck somewhere in between here and the keyboard, mid stroke and I'm at a loss. Sigh. What's wrong with me, maybe nothing is wrong, perhaps it's just a season in time...gosh, man, who knows. I just miss this. I miss this outlet, I miss bubbling up and over with words in abundance. I look back at entries on some other blogs, and I wonder how I was so consistent then, what was different, what was I going through...ya know? This lull is definitely not cutting it for me.

I don't even know how to express myself right now, like there's so much to say but sometimes I feel like I've said it all before. It's all just a whirlwind circle and coming back to the same place, over and over again. Why is the struggle still the same? WHY? What the hell is wrong with me...maybe I shouldn't say it that way, but damn, it's what I feel.

I feel like I'm not being heard. Like i'm that broken down car in the middle of a freeway lane, and people around me are the fast cars passing me by. I'm just tired of feeling like the loser. Tired of doubts, of lack of confidence, these insecurities. What did I do to get to this place?

I promise, when I have my child, I will raise them with confidence, I will raise them up instilling in them that they can be ANYBODY they dream to be!!!! I will never knock them down, so help me, I will support them and make sure they love who they are, but remain humble. I don't want them to suffer, even though some things are inevitable, I will do my best to raise them to be the best.

I know it's not too late for me...dreams are at every corner, I just need to push myself through the door.

bliss is...him

~India 2011~

speaking life into a situation

This week has been extremely harrowing, emotionally wise. I'm a basket case, and I feel like I've lost control of every possible emotion. I've been clinging on to God all week, to be honest, He is all that has kept me from really falling apart. I'm not depressed, I hate using that word so easily and stamping it as the cause to my problems. It's more than that. There have been big changes going on with my heart, and it's scary. Like, I've never been in this type of deal, never been in love. Yeah, crushes, likes, what I thought may be love...but this, what I am feeling, is very much LOVE. So my insides are raging, they are spiraling, they are at their height of feeling...you know? I just...sigh. He's so far away. Across the globe, completely opposite sides of the world. How can a heart fully grasp that concept? To not see the person you love, touch, feel, hear, smell, breathe...it's tough man. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his teasing ways with me, his protection when he stands in front of me while we were on the train. I felt so his. I felt his love down to my toes. Sigh.

I don't know. I get these stupid thoughts too, that bring me down. It stems from my own doubt and insecurities, it's pathetic. There is no validity in any of it, really. I just need God's comfort and peace. I need something to change...a word from HIM. Please Lord, let me hang on to you. I've nothing else. Nothing.

I miss you rethish, love of my life. I miss you so much. I hope you understand the sudden outbursts that I've poured out these last few times...I'm just trying to deal and cope with this distance. Please know that I love you, and I'd do anything in this whole entire world to be with you, to make you smile and to fill you with all my love and all the joy possible. God be with you and protect you sweetheart, that's my daily prayer. You are NEVER alone. Ever.

Forever yours.

i just need to write

I just need a place to vent, speak, write, let out, pour out to...some sort of outlet! I've been going insane with all these thoughts in my head, some complete mind drival and others...well, scattered but with meaning. Sigh. I just want to be able to speak freely and not be constricted...sick of that. Just let me be and speak my mind! I can't do it at best when I'm speaking physically, but darnit, I won't be silenced in written form! Man. I'm so pent up and full of so much emotion, so much that has me feeling overwhelmed, literally an elephant c-walking around my chest. Enough is enough.