it ain't easy.

I'm trying to break this block that I've been struggling with, when it comes to writing. Don't know what has come over me to completely freeze the flow of words that have always honeyed from my fingertips. Nothing spectacular, but at least I was always able to just be free in what I have to say. Now, the words get stuck somewhere in between here and the keyboard, mid stroke and I'm at a loss. Sigh. What's wrong with me, maybe nothing is wrong, perhaps it's just a season in time...gosh, man, who knows. I just miss this. I miss this outlet, I miss bubbling up and over with words in abundance. I look back at entries on some other blogs, and I wonder how I was so consistent then, what was different, what was I going through...ya know? This lull is definitely not cutting it for me.

I don't even know how to express myself right now, like there's so much to say but sometimes I feel like I've said it all before. It's all just a whirlwind circle and coming back to the same place, over and over again. Why is the struggle still the same? WHY? What the hell is wrong with me...maybe I shouldn't say it that way, but damn, it's what I feel.

I feel like I'm not being heard. Like i'm that broken down car in the middle of a freeway lane, and people around me are the fast cars passing me by. I'm just tired of feeling like the loser. Tired of doubts, of lack of confidence, these insecurities. What did I do to get to this place?

I promise, when I have my child, I will raise them with confidence, I will raise them up instilling in them that they can be ANYBODY they dream to be!!!! I will never knock them down, so help me, I will support them and make sure they love who they are, but remain humble. I don't want them to suffer, even though some things are inevitable, I will do my best to raise them to be the best.

I know it's not too late for me...dreams are at every corner, I just need to push myself through the door.