lunch date with myself.

Taking a late lunch here at work...the usual when I get paid on Fridays, I treat myself to the habit. It's so finger lickin' yummy! Sigh. Today's been a pretty relaxing day, not much on my agenda. I hope it's not another lonely boring Friday though...can't stand nights like that, and lately they have been frequent. I have this thirst for something more that's been nagging at the pit of my heart. I'm yearning for more in life, everything has been stale for me. I feel as if my hope is teeter tottering and I can't quite grasp on to what I once was so passionate about. Honestly, I need Jesus. I've ran so far from him and lost myself in the miry pit. I feel so alone at times, and just to be completely bare...I feel forgotten by God. I mean, I know he loves me...and it's me who has drifted....I hate this feeling. Nothing is going...as it should. I need some change to happen. I can't sleep at night due to all these thoughts and feelings haunting me. Toss and turn. I just want some break through. Something.

Please don't forget your child, Lord...don't forget me. I love you.

writing for my own sake.

Not sure why it's such a struggle to do what used to come so naturally to me...I've become a shell of what I used to be! Again, here I am, back where I always start...always searching for some new beginning that my heart is inclined to crave. I guess I'll start one step at a time...it's a start that I'm even here now. Writing is my healing, I've stored all my emotions inside since I've not been able to write out these crazy feelings I have circling around. Ayayay!

Well, here's to another try...:)

styles i'm digging.

"Fashion fades, style is eternal." - Yves Saint Laurent

music monday.

I thought it would be a pretty cool idea to start *music monday*, and share songs that have made a cuddle spot in my heart. Or rather, songs that move and stir my insides in some sort of way! Here are a few that have been on repeat:

best friends forever.

I love this girl! She is one of very few whom I can spend hours with and not fall into a bored stupor, or become annoyed with. 20+ years and going strong! We've been through it all, but have managed to stick together like a stamp to a letter. 

We've also become such makeup hoarders. Seriously, it's quite extreme guys!!! But it's so fun, I love our little makeup escapades, and finding all the good deals and coupons at CVS, or going on binges at nordies with MAC, Laura Mercier, or whatever other makeup product that grabs our fancy! Well, I blame it on youtube...just a little bit. LOL. We're constantly watching these beauty videos and start coveting new products that we probably don't even need. Sigh. I don't know...but this is our little thing. It's our time that we spend together...we enjoy it, ya know? Among other things as well! Just...this has become our current obsession. ;)

What do you enjoy doing with your bff?

still alive over here.

Why do we have to become such emotional beings when that time of the month comes along?! It's like we become this raging incredible hulk like beast with no control over our emotions. That also pertains to eating like a beast too, shat. I seriously just want to scream, "WHY God, WHY did ya make me a woman!????", during those 3-4 days of drowning in the crimson sea. Ay dios mio!

Anyways. I thought I'd give it a try and write something around here, considering that I did make a promise to myself that I would get back into the swing of writing to my hearts content. Yeah! So much for that one...but really, it's not like I don't have time, it's just that I'm a lazy stinker, and when I actually do feel like writing, my mind ends up wandering to something else and I completely leave writing on the wayside. Really frannie, leave the excuses for somebody who cares and get with it!

Time for mimis now, but I'll make it a point to write something tomorrow. Gotta make this a habit...:) 

india.

Sweet India. I want to go back and taste you again.
Unforgettable. Memories to last a lifetime...

i won't give up.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

some days...

"Some days I hardly notice the distance.

Some days the distance is so tangible - I can almost feel it in the air.

Some days I cry and scream and hate the distance.

Some days are just days."

it ain't easy.

I'm trying to break this block that I've been struggling with, when it comes to writing. Don't know what has come over me to completely freeze the flow of words that have always honeyed from my fingertips. Nothing spectacular, but at least I was always able to just be free in what I have to say. Now, the words get stuck somewhere in between here and the keyboard, mid stroke and I'm at a loss. Sigh. What's wrong with me, maybe nothing is wrong, perhaps it's just a season in time...gosh, man, who knows. I just miss this. I miss this outlet, I miss bubbling up and over with words in abundance. I look back at entries on some other blogs, and I wonder how I was so consistent then, what was different, what was I going through...ya know? This lull is definitely not cutting it for me.

I don't even know how to express myself right now, like there's so much to say but sometimes I feel like I've said it all before. It's all just a whirlwind circle and coming back to the same place, over and over again. Why is the struggle still the same? WHY? What the hell is wrong with me...maybe I shouldn't say it that way, but damn, it's what I feel.

I feel like I'm not being heard. Like i'm that broken down car in the middle of a freeway lane, and people around me are the fast cars passing me by. I'm just tired of feeling like the loser. Tired of doubts, of lack of confidence, these insecurities. What did I do to get to this place?

I promise, when I have my child, I will raise them with confidence, I will raise them up instilling in them that they can be ANYBODY they dream to be!!!! I will never knock them down, so help me, I will support them and make sure they love who they are, but remain humble. I don't want them to suffer, even though some things are inevitable, I will do my best to raise them to be the best.

I know it's not too late for me...dreams are at every corner, I just need to push myself through the door.

bliss is...him

~India 2011~

speaking life into a situation

This week has been extremely harrowing, emotionally wise. I'm a basket case, and I feel like I've lost control of every possible emotion. I've been clinging on to God all week, to be honest, He is all that has kept me from really falling apart. I'm not depressed, I hate using that word so easily and stamping it as the cause to my problems. It's more than that. There have been big changes going on with my heart, and it's scary. Like, I've never been in this type of deal, never been in love. Yeah, crushes, likes, what I thought may be love...but this, what I am feeling, is very much LOVE. So my insides are raging, they are spiraling, they are at their height of feeling...you know? I just...sigh. He's so far away. Across the globe, completely opposite sides of the world. How can a heart fully grasp that concept? To not see the person you love, touch, feel, hear, smell, breathe...it's tough man. I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his teasing ways with me, his protection when he stands in front of me while we were on the train. I felt so his. I felt his love down to my toes. Sigh.

I don't know. I get these stupid thoughts too, that bring me down. It stems from my own doubt and insecurities, it's pathetic. There is no validity in any of it, really. I just need God's comfort and peace. I need something to change...a word from HIM. Please Lord, let me hang on to you. I've nothing else. Nothing.

I miss you rethish, love of my life. I miss you so much. I hope you understand the sudden outbursts that I've poured out these last few times...I'm just trying to deal and cope with this distance. Please know that I love you, and I'd do anything in this whole entire world to be with you, to make you smile and to fill you with all my love and all the joy possible. God be with you and protect you sweetheart, that's my daily prayer. You are NEVER alone. Ever.

Forever yours.

i just need to write

I just need a place to vent, speak, write, let out, pour out to...some sort of outlet! I've been going insane with all these thoughts in my head, some complete mind drival and others...well, scattered but with meaning. Sigh. I just want to be able to speak freely and not be constricted...sick of that. Just let me be and speak my mind! I can't do it at best when I'm speaking physically, but darnit, I won't be silenced in written form! Man. I'm so pent up and full of so much emotion, so much that has me feeling overwhelmed, literally an elephant c-walking around my chest. Enough is enough.